Relationships are full of ups and down. Long distance relationships are definitely not ideal and can be lonely and confusing. Long distance military relationships are all that times 10! Now don’t get me wrong it’s all worth it, but just like anything in life, you get what you put into it. I’m not one to sugar coat the reality of things (unless I’m trying to convince my boyfriend to buy me something; I’m kidding… kinda). In all seriousness I love my boyfriend and I love being a military girlfriend. My boyfriend has been enlisted 2 years now and the first year I only saw him 45 days out of 365, not ideal right? Especially with someone who’s love language is quality time.
“Love Languages?” you may ask if you’ve never heard of this click the link and take the test. This helped me understand so much early on in my relationship. People give and receive love in different ways; there are typically 5 categories you can fall into. I tested high on quality time and physical touch and my boyfriend scored high on words of affirmation. Before we understood this, we were showing love to one another how we would like to receive it not how the other receives. Showing love is about the other person, not you. I know crazy right? I know now how much my words and compliments mean to him and he knows how much I need quality time and to be with each other in person. Yeah the girl who needs in person quality time is in a long distance military relationship, laugh it up! That’s why I’m writing this, no matter how you receive love, how long you and your significant other have been together, or how old you are, long distance is lonely and miscommunication happens a lot! Here are my tips that I have gathered
through trial and error; hopefully these help you avoid the problems that we've encountered as a couple.
Be present
Since time is limited especially on the military side of the relationship it is important to value every second you get. If it is a phone call stop what you are doing and give him your undivided attention. If he gets to come home or visit you for a few days, plan fun stuff and spend as much time as possible together. Do not be the person who plans everything to a T and freak out when it doesn’t work out exactly as planned. It’s good to have a loose plan and be open to change, especially if he wants to spend time with other family and friends. Trust me I am a planner and this is something I had to learn to let go of and be in the moment with him rather than be thinking of everything else we still had to accomplish that day.
Be intentional
Make sure he is constantly reminded that you support him and love him. Guys have insecurities too (even though they may not admit it) and it is important to reaffirm them, the same way we need that too sometimes. I try to send him things in the mail (care packages/ letters), text him to encourage him throughout the day, or even just having genuine conversations.
Find new and unique ways to show your love
Since my love language has been challenged we have both had to find creative ways to show each other we love and value one another. This is important in any relationship, whether you are long distance or not. Send them a random text saying what you love about them, write love letters and send them through the mail, have FaceTime dates, watch movies or TV shows over the phone (we are currently watching Blue Bloods. SO GOOD!), send care packages (of stuff he needs or stuff to make him laugh). Do not worry if you think you are the only one trying, if you take the initiative the other person will follow. Give it some time, I did and now I randomly get surprise flowers delivered to my dorm, or if I need a new phone case he sends one the next day. Little things make a difference and go a lot further than you may think.
Be understanding
Do not expect everything to be reciprocated the way you think it should. They will try their bests; however, you have to understand the military comes first for now. If that is hard for you to accept, reevaluate. To be honest that was hard pill for me to swallow because I was first before my boyfriend enlisted. I realized this is the perfect time for the both of us as a couple. He has to put his job first right now, which allows me to put my education first while I get my bachelors. Of course every relationship is different so do what is best for the both of you. If he can’t call you, be okay with that and go have fun with friends, read a good book, veg out and watch Netflix. Be okay with being alone.
Be honest and real
I have read a lot of blogs that say not to tell your significant other about your problems or insecurities and to make sure they know everything is okay. Uhhhh what? What if everything is not okay? I understand not telling your boyfriend or husband bad news when in boot camp. That is definitely a bad idea, there is nothing they can do about it when in boot camp and the last thing they need at that time is a distraction. However, outside of boot camp be honest with them and not fake because TRUST ME he will know. It is okay to tell him your insecurities if you have them, it’s okay to share your hard times, however do not dwell on them. If there is no current solution maybe wait to bring it up, do not waste the limited time you guys have on being negative and dwelling on stuff you cannot change. I have felt a lack in my relationship before, but never spoke up because I didn’t want to cause problems, but this caused be to feel distant and detached from my boyfriend. He immediately noticed and asked why I wasn’t open about what was going on and I confessed I didn’t want to cause problems. In the end he would have much rather me be honest and transparent so we could fix and adjust the issues together instead of me holding onto it alone.
Bottom line is focus on the now when you are talking via technology or are with him in person, make sure he knows what he means to you, be creative in the way you show your love to him, be understanding, and be honest. The thing about dating a military guy is that you are now dating both him and the military, so enjoy!
