I never really thought about the idea of death or loss much as a kid other than the occasional pet bunny or guinea pig. Even when the subject of death was introduced to me I was always comforted by the idea of heaven being a better and safe place for my animals or the people leaving this earth.
1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 (ESV)
13 But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. 14 For since we believe that Jesus died and
rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.
I have hope and a peace in Jesus that when someone's earthly body passes, their spirit is in company with the Lord. Now this is a very churchy response to death, which was how I would have responded before experiencing it.
Last year in January I watched my grandma deteriorate as she continued to get sick and suffer from heart problems. There were many times when we thought she was on the road to recovery and others when death seemed seconds away. I was terrified of loosing her; she was my best friend. We shared clothes, went thrifting together, were equally as sassy as one another, and I always just felt a deep bond with her. I remember holding her hand as she took her last breath and realizing the frailty of life. I was consumed with extreme sadness and pain, but why would I be sad if what the bible says is true? I went through a period of time where I had never felt so distant from Gods presence. I didn't know how to praise his goodness when I felt so sad and empty.
One month ago I re-encountered death by the loss of my father. I had not seen him in 2 years since he had moved across the country to Virginia. We had never had a super close relationship either, which made this process of understanding his death even more difficult. All I knew was I didn't get a goodbye like I did with my grandma and I would have never known 2 years ago would've been the last time I would see him. What brings me sorrow is the fact I will not share anything else from this life with them. My graduation day, my wedding day, when I (eventually) have kids, there will always be two people missing.
A lot of people have this misconception of grief as if it is a process that you overcome. I know this because I thought this way. I have come to realize grief is as permanent as death. I don't necessarily think it will go away, but I do believe I will learn how to continue living my life and this feeling of sadness will get better over time. I will never stop missing them and I don't think I will stop wishing I could share things in my life with them. However, I do know I wouldn't wish for them to come back. They are finally home, a place where there is no pain or sickness, where they are in God presence 24/7. This is what I remind myself when I find it hard to praise God for his goodness. I remind myself of the amount of time I had not the time I didn't have with the people I love. I am confident I will see them again some day and I know they fulfilled all that God had for them on this earth, even if I wasn't ready to say goodbye.
Now "I [still] have hope and a peace in Jesus that when someone's earthly body passes, their spirit is in company with Him." However, the death of these two important people has impacted my life forever. Before my life and my bubble consisted of them in it and now I am learning to continue my life without them, which will never be easy. Nothing is ever easy and I am not strong whatsoever, but God is strong. His love is what has been embracing me this past year and I know will continue to surround me.
